An Honest Question, Part 2

So. We were leaning against the wall and I was about to go into more... detail, when he got a call on his cell phone.

I don't know who it was, but I know that he looked at the caller ID for a minute, then looked up at me.

You, he said, have no idea how much I don't want to say this, but I have to go.

Such excellent timing, I said. He cleared his throat. Yep, he said, and made a funny snorting sound, which made me laugh.

No problem. I can tell you more another time, I assured him. He said something like the moment would have passed. I shrugged, but thought, he is probably right.

Someone started to open the restaurant door so we moved back into the street. At the corner, I headed towards the subway and he stayed to catch a cab. I waved as he got in.

And that, my friends, was it. I haven't seen him since.

***

I know! That was kind of cruel. But that is just what you get with nonfiction. Real life is either breathtaking or mundane, it seems.

likes and wishes

After more than a year of dangling my fingertips in the darkside, I have come up with a draft (subject to constant revision) version of what I think I know I like:

• I like to watch or listen to men jerking off. This is not big news.
• I like to be told what to do more than I like to tell others what to do. I like to be used.
• I like everything from grunting need to articulate control, and everything in between.
• I like the catch I can hear in a man's voice as he gets hard and starts to touch himself.
• I like to pinch my nipples when I am talking on the phone and I start to get wet.
• I like light pain. Sometimes.
• I like getting fucked in the ass. Hard.
• I like having my head pushed down on a man's cock.
• I like the thought that a person can say whatever they want to me.
• I like cumming for men.

Now, some things I wish:

• I wish, and this is not a new wish, that I could queue up a line of men in the mornings who have woken up hard and just need to cum fast. I would listen to them one after another. Encourage them. Release them into the day.
• I wish the world were a different place and I could meet total strangers in out of the way places and watch them jerk off for me without worrying about being hurt or raped.
• I wish I did not have the job that I have so that I could show you what I am doing right now on a web cam.

ebb and flow

I find it somehow fitting or ironic that, when I have not checked email for over a month, hotmail deletes my entire inbox. It is as if this world I have created will not let me leave, and if I do leave, it will not let me come back.

Or at least, if I do come back, it is like I am presented with a blank slate and the echo of my own... voice?... keyboard clicks?

So, FYI, if you haven't heard from me, or don't hear from me, it is because I did not get your email and no longer have your email address! Feel free to correct the situation at your leisure.

Anyway, hello again. Been awhile. For those who have been around since I started this odd little project, this is nothing new. I come (and come, and come...) and then I go. And then I come again.

Summer is approaching. Long, hot days. I don't think I will be around as much as last summer, but anything could happen. I am not sure, too, how I will set things up. I am in the mood for a bit of a change ;)

Soon. I hope. But can never promise.

my favorite craigslist m4w posting ever

You,

And there will be lots of adventures, sniffing through glasses and past lips and: Woody Allen said if sex isn't dirty then you're not doing it right: I agree. There doesn't have to be sex, though. Just, at least, a clicking. Great musics listened-to and great books read-discussed and great movies seen-lived and sweating--cause of the adventuring and etc's. Bothered-by-a-big-ol'-moon walks; dinner-thru-night-till-tomorrow experiences--boozy, maybe, I mean, doesn't have to be. The air Cat-Power's-voice-smokey--good stuff, you know. Taffy-streched mystery, never, you know, outted in the beginning--but teased and really fun. Rollings and tumblings and weird crystal-ball-refracted moments you only get in extremis. Odd-but-still-pretty-and-specific-faced people laughing-out unboring stories: everything weird-mooded, florid; you--terrifically experienced and novel-inspired after answering this and adventuring up up up and setting down somewhere new--sexed (not necessarily literally) and through the fugue and chilled to the cockle. You know: if you wanna answer. No arm-twistin's here. Let's. This is expressionistic just cause I want to meet the specifics who would answer an add like this. Pics and that, too.

hotels

I will be traveling again this weekend and in a hotel room on Friday, Saturday and Sunday night.

You know what this means.

door

Whew. Last week just about killed me. In a good way. I think I blew out my new vibrator already! Someone suggested it might be the full moon. Whatever it was, if I could bottle it, I could retire early.

So. Ready?

For the next few months, or more, I won't be reading or answering most of the emails I receive.

You see, this is how it goes. I open the door every once and awhile and let people in. And this is fine, even great, for awhile. But then, eventually, too many people come in (I sometimes get over a hundred emails in a day) and I start to lose the sense of each individual person. I don't have time to spend actually doing what I want to do, which is, well, making you cum in several different ways.

In addition, I end up spending more and more time making small talk and much too little time with people who have actually come to value my time and want to... go deeper, so to speak.

I have had a very, very (VERY) wonderful time getting to know people over the last few weeks, but now the door is closing. I will keep writing here of course, but other than that, for the next few months, on the days when I am around to talk, I will send out a note only to the people on my NF list or post a note for them here. If I do read/respond to any email, it will only be email from people on the list - and even that will be rare and in order of, well.. preference.

If you don't know what this list thing is and want to find out more, or if you know what it is, but are not sure if you are on it, you can email me anytime and put the word "list" in the subject line so I know to open it. And I completely understand, as always, if it is not for you.

I have to remind myself every once and awhile, why I first started doing this almost a year ago. Among other things, the point was to find a way to free up my time to do my more creative, less moneymaking things (like write and make art). I also want to get to know a few people very well, and save the best of myself for them, not spread myself all over the place to people who do not always... get me.

You can get hot email exchanges, and even explicit chat, almost anywhere. You can only get me here. I am aching to cum for you, or to make you explode, or to be or do whatever you want. But maybe nothing truly wonderful is free.

(For those of you who want it free anyway, you are, of course, free enjoy my posts here. As I've said a million times, the thought of you reading my words - cock swelling, reddening, straining against your pants - is what makes the process of writing so deeply pleasurable. I wish you many, many urgent and mindblowing orgasms.)

More soon...

talk

Killing time before I have to go somewhere.

I am in the mood to talk frankly with someone. This does not have to end in any heavy breathing or anything - I am all dressed up and need to stay reasonably put together, but I am open for intelligent conversation and/or teasing.

Perfect if you are at work and can't really get too, um, detailed. Also good if you have been reading/corresponding with me, and just want to talk for minute and get to know me better.

Enjoy me while you can - before I retreat back into my inner circle, so to speak ;)

Anyway, if you have a few minutes, email me and I will send you the link to the service I use. (If your response to that is: What! You use a service! I don't PAY for conversation/fantasy/orgasms, or something similar, please read this and feel free not to email me for the link. ;)

yours yours yours

In keeping with the theme of these two posts, way back when, I found a choice couple of paragraphs from this month's Harper's (below). I don't think I am any less ambivalent about all of this, but I have been finding my way through it.

Oh, that is really beautiful.

I hadn't actually finished reading the entire article, and I googled a line from a paragraph I wanted to quote here. The line was:

"It is the cardinal difference between gift and commodity exchange that a gift establishes a feeling-bond between two people, while the sale of a commodity leaves no necessary connection."

But the only reference I got was an exact quote from Lewis Hyde's The Gift, whereas the article I was quoting in Harper's was written by Jonathan Lethem and is called...

Oh.

Duh.

It is called "The Ecstasy of Influence" and is subtitled "A Plagiarism."

Meaning, as part of his extended reflection on plagiarism, he actually plagiarized almost every line in the article.

I know I am getting way off of the topic of sex here, so feel free to move on if your hard on is drooping, but that was such a brilliant moment. Made more brilliant by the fact that I was already thinking the article was brilliant, and now I think it is yet more so.

As you might have gathered, words and ideas are the "commodities" that Jonathan is using Lewis' words to point out in this case. Not exactly the kind of commodity I was about to use (what I thought were) Jonathan's words to illuminate.

The article, using what I am sure are yet someone else's words, goes on to say, "I go into a hardware store, pay the man for a hacksaw blade, and walk out... The disconnectedness is, in fact, a virtue of the commodity mode. We don't want to be bothered, and if the clerk always wants to chat about the family, I'll shop elsewhere. I just want a hacksaw blade. But a gift makes a connection."

So very familiar!

At any rate, where I was going with this is that some men instinctively get this concept, and I am always sort of surprised and thankful for that. Not only do some of the people in my, um, inner circle, so to speak, understand that they are showing their respect for the time that I should be spending working instead of talking to them, they also understand that this keeps the boundaries cleanly drawn. Which, in some strange way, makes things so much easier, and, yes, so much hotter.

I am absolutely abstract.
I want to be your fantasy.
I want you to need to cum for me in a way that feels a little bit bad. Or a little bit excessive. Or a little bit secretive.
I want you to be completely free to say anything to me.

All of these things are made possible by clear boundaries.

So why don't I just do this full time, or become a prostitute for that matter?

Well, the article goes on:

"Of course, in the real world, we know that child-rearing, family life, education, socialization, sexuality, political life, and many other basic human activities require insulation from market forces. In fact, paying for many of these things can ruin them."

Enough said.

I can only go so far, and there is something in me that always says stop before I cross a certain line. I love to play here and there, but I only want to play with a few people here and there. In some odd way, I think they appreciate knowing that, too. This is why I don't always return every email, and go for weeks at a time without writing. I am working, yes, but I am also, shall we say, focusing my energies.

Lucky for the masses, I am opening the windows for the time being. I have more than enough to go around, even if you only get to see it here instead of in a private show ;)

Anyway, enjoy it while it lasts. And thank you again to the ones who "get it". I am yours, yours, yours.

rubicon

Let's just say that I got less, and more, than I bargained for this past weekend. I was reminded of what I was already told, but, clearly needed to know again.

I have only one story! But there are so many stories.

Still, I know that's what you want. To hear it over and over. And to lose more of yourself every time. I can do that absolutely.

rubicon

Let's just say that I got more, and less, than I bargained for this past weekend. I was reminded of what I already knew, but, clearly, needed to be told again.

I have so many stories! But they are all one story.

Still, I know that's what you want. To hear it over and over. And to lose yourself more every time. I can absolutely do that.

next weekend

Just a quick FYI:

I will be alone in a gloriously plush hotel room next weekend. Did I say alone? Yes, alone. All weekend (16-19).

I will probably be busy during most of the days, but the nights are long and so lonely!

still alive

Yes, I am still here. I have been working almost every day for the last month, but I hope to start having a day off here and there. And I will be travelling for the next few days - and you know what hotels and airports do to me.

Just so you know, for now, since time is at a premium, I will send alerts only to my NiteFlirt "friends" when I know I am going to be free. In other words, if you have spoken to me, sent me mail, or checked out my photos/recordings through the NF system, you will be on my list. If you want to get on the list, send me an email and I will tell you how to do it.

Otherwise, I hope to post a bit here and there. I may be working a lot, but I have found ways to keep life interesting. I look forward to telling you about it... ;)

dialing it down a notch

It is amazing that I can even type.

Almost six o'clock, and I am going to have to leave and go meet friends for dinner, where I will attempt to form words. I feel as though when I move, I will be like a pool of liquid spreading over the floor, rather than a thing on two legs.

For those still in the various lines, or who emailed hoping to check in later this evening, I am sorry. I have to scrape myself up now and take a shower.

Realize this is not goodbye - I am just dialing it down a notch. I will still be around, still be writing, still reading emails, still available to chat, etc. Just at a much slower pace.

Until next time...

the soundtrack for this lonely day

drink up, baby down
mmm, are you in or are you out
leave your things behind
'cause it's all going off without you
excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy
these mishaps
you bubble wrap
when you've no idea what you're like

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

it gains the more it gives
and then it rises with the fall
so hand me that remote
can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow

such boundless pleasure
we've no time for later now
you can't await your own arrival
you've 20 seconds to comply

- from "let go" by frou frou

advance and retreat

Yes, for those who have been with me for awhile on this journey, I made some changes around here. Thinking hard over here, as usual. Sex and thinking have a very uneasy relationship, I have noticed. Hard to do both at the same time ;) Thus, the seesawing nature of my posts.

Besides rearranging the furniture here in blogland, I have also gotten a huge chunk of freelance work that comes with a huge deadline, so I have been focused on that to the detriment of all emails, chats in various media, and other distractions. So, forgive me if I am quiet lately. This happens sometimes.

This might continue for awhile. Depends on whether I get more work from this client. So if you don't hear from me, or haven't heard from me recently, don't be sad. While I slave away for a different kind of Man, I'll be daydreaming of you and your fabulously huge... intellect.

(feeds)

Sorry, just a quick tech interruption...

FYI, if you get tired of having to click through to all of the webpages that you like to look at often, including the most important one by yours truly, remember that this page does have a feed. If you know what this means, then go forth and prosper. If you don't, then read on.

RSS feeds let you keep track of all of the latest posts on all of the news sites and weblogs that you read - but all on one page so you don't have to browse over to all of them one by one. Nice!

The easiest way to collect all of the feeds onto one page is to use one of the services (called "aggregators") like Bloglines, for example. It takes about ten seconds to set up an account, then you just click on "add feed," and then add the URLs to the feeds of all of the sites you want to keep track of.

How do you find the feeds on the weblogs? Usually there is a link somewhere on them that says "RSS" or "FEED" or some combo. Just click on that link and then cut and paste the address of the page you get taken to into Bloglines. (If you have a PC, you can just right click on the link itself and copy/paste the URL into Bloglines).

Where is MY feed? Why it is right here. (Or, just cut and paste the following address into Bloglines: http://curious-grl.blogspot.com/rss.xml)

Then, voila, you will have one page that will have all of the latest posts on it from all of the blogs you read. Saves a lot of time. Plus, you will know the second that I update, which is what really matters...

PS. The absolute easiest way to do this is to use Mozilla Firefox as your browser and click on the little orange button on the lower right hand corder of the browser. You can create a bookmark that is a feed - in other words, it works like a bookmark, but whan you click it, you see the titles of my last few posts...

vacation

I am striving to have a relatively non-sexual day today. You know, maybe I will do something radical like go to a museum or something and NOT flash my pussy at the staring guard (short, hysterical laugh), but wanted to say thanks for yesterday - one of the hottest, wettest days on record.

When I go back to my job in the fall, and they ask me what I did for my summer vacation, what, exactly, shall I say?

time out

I am leaving you for a little bit. For a few weeks, I think. Not longer, I hope. I won't be able to respond to any emails either. No, not even from you.

Don't be sad. You can read through all of the old posts... sometimes you miss important details the first time around, you know.

So, your computer screen better be splattered and blurry when I get back.

Seriously.

I am not kidding.

Go. Get busy.

in a state

I don't know how much longer I can keep this experiment going, but it has been an interesting ride. In a sense, though, I am still looking. I want a kind of ongoing "thing" with a few people - but so many factors have to be right. I really hate the idea of starting up some kind of operation - talking to strangers, idiots, people I don't really connect to or who don't turn me on. I don't want to fake anything. In fact, as I have said, I have never, and will never, fake anything.

But I am, as you might have noticed, fabulously ambivalent about taking money directly. I have preferred other kinds of gifts or exchanges because it seems more fun, more creative and specific to that relationship. But I have admitted that some kind of exchange is necessary - it keeps the point of the interaction very clear. Which is important. And more than that, there is the reality of the fact that this takes a truly stupid amount of time. And if I don't get something for my time, I should grab another consulting job to fill these hours instead.

It is true that some people prefer the simplicity of cash. That is fine - but only if they are really ok with it - prefer it even. Otherwise it ruins what I love about the interactions. Though you will be interested to know that I have not accepted any cash yet during the span of this little experiment. I have, as you know, received many wonderful, wonderful gifts, however. I am, in fact, wearing one right now. And you know that man has cum so many times in the last week, his cock is numb.

Another, more mundane reason for some kind of exchange? Why should I pick one person over another when there are so many? Obviously, I pick people primarily based on how hot they make me, how much I enjoy interacting with them, etc. Because if this is not fun for me, then there really is no point. But beyond that, I need some other criteria.

So, the bottom line: I am hot so much of the time that I want to do this as much as I can - but in order to do that, there needs to be some kind of exchange or I will need to do something else with the time.

I actually did set up a phone number. Yes, I know. Talk about direct payment. But I am not going to post it here... yet. I only want to give it to people who really want to do things that way. The benefits? Clear, simple, hot and sweet cumming. My attention, my full attention, on you, on your full, heavy balls, your twitching cock. All the time you want to ask me anything, make me do or say anything, make me tell you to do things, or to go with you wherever you want. I will only talk when I am in the mood to actually cum with you.

But for now, I want to get to know you by chatting with you first. Maybe watching you on cam using skpe. (Watching, if you have not noticed, is one of my favorite things.) Maybe more, if you are lucky. Or if I am lucky. But, of course, it may be a while before I get to you this way. Because of the above, and because I am working so much, lately. And not this kind of working!

See, I just want you to know that simply typing the words "talking you through it" above made me wet! What am I going to do with myself now! The thought of telling you to jerk your stiff cock for me has put me in a state.

Please. Help me out. ;)

ice cream

You are walking down the street and you pass an ice cream store. Sure, ice cream is not good for you if you eat it all day, but an ice cream now and then is a tasty, pleasurable snack. You walk in the store, pay your money, get your creamy treat and keep walking, licking away as you go. This is an exchange - you give the business owner what they want, and you get what you want. Simple, fast and uncomplicated.

Some men instinctively understand the exchange aspect of what I am offering. They don't want the entirety of me that I would give a friend or a partner. As in the case of the ice cream, they are paying to have someone else do the work and they see the particular value in getting only the creamy treat.

Others get confused. They think, why is this a transaction of some kind when I can get it for free? And they think that they are somehow lowering themselves to offer something in return for what I offer.

To this I say, first, if you can get the creamy treat with no complications for free, why are you talking to me? Go forth and prosper.

Second, what is wrong with offering something in exchange for something you find valuable and that you cannot find, in this particular form, elsewhere? You may even be getting the whole, live, day to day package from someone, but you still want the delicious, fantastical snack on occasion. What, unless this violates the terms of some other arrangement you have made or crosses some uncrossable ethical boundary, is the problem with this?

To be sure, the self-denigrating set who fall into the confused category are not a problem for me, though I feel bad for them as I watch them want something so badly but not let themselves have it. But the problem begins when they either think that they will get something for nothing, or, worse, that it is my fault that everything, especially finger-licking dessert, comes at a price.

So don't do that.

Interestingly, though, more creative exchanges short circuit much of the weirdness. In other words, when people give me things that feel good to give, or that are unique to them, or that make me more exciting for them in some way, then it seems less, well, transaction-like to them. Others, of course, simply prefer things cut and dried - walk in, buy the ice cream, walk out.

And what do I offer? Something a little different. A little smarter, and a lot more real.

I am only open for skyping these days - chat or call (username: curious-grl). But for those who want to move to the next level after that, anything is possible. Though full service is out for the time being. Sorry ;)

Keep in mind though, that what makes me different is that I won't talk to too many people in a short span of time. I never fake anything, so I have to, um, space things out a bit. I am sure you understand.