fast forward

Yes, well, ahem. Not sure how to follow up that last post. Like waking up from some kind of fugue state. What do I do now - discuss the weather?

So, just to put all the panting and groaning and references to dampness on hold for a minute, I just wanted to say that I will be travelling for a few days. (Already working out various possible scenarios for the plane. Just kidding. Sort of.) So I will be scarce.

But this extended experiment will continue on the other side, I promise.

I was just thinking that I should put some sort of bookend on it - a date by which some definitive something should happen and, whether it does or doesn't, I will disappear from here. But then I thought, that is just a cop-out. A halfhearted construct designed so that I don't have to integrate myself with what I am doing here. It makes it easier to call this, say, a three month aberration rather than calling it a part of myself finding expression for three months. Or longer.

I know. This is like the part of porn flick where they try to insert some form of limp narrative for the sex scenes to arrange themselves on. If you are not interested in my psychological goings on, feel free to rewind or fast forward to the next cum shot. I won't mind ;)

If you are still here, I am, you should know, dreaming about you in some fashion. I want to find a way to be what you need.

Of course, this all comes back to the money issue. I am going to have to come to terms with this - either I can accept it, or I can't. And if I can't, then certain aspects of this experiment cannot go on. And if I can, then what can I accept it for? And how can it be accepted in a way that will not ruin the part of the exchange that I love the most? This, especially, may not be possible.

I want SO MUCH to live in Japan at the time of the Geishas, or to be a part of a culture where I could actually support my lifestyle by being a kind of living dreamcreature for selected men. What makes this different to me than some of the options I see around me is, first, the level of respect for the women, which, to me, also translates into a greater degree of safety, and the fact that the exchange is more than purely physical.

There is something about the understood boundaries that makes this kind of a relationship very intriguing to me. The very fact that I would not be accessible at all times, or not fully "accessible" even if I were physically present, would, in fact, be an essential part of my effect on the other person, and theirs on me, along the fact that our... purpose together would be, well, somewhat more defined than usual.

Still trying to work this out. Perhaps I will have time to think about it on the plane. (While I am working out how to let the guy in the suit across the aisle know to follow me into the tiny. little. bathroom.)